Pretty much the worst movie ever.

On Sunday night we were discussing movies we’d seen that were pretty bad.  Like, really bad.  Things that made us regret the invention of the moving picture.  That kind of bad.  The worst movie I have ever seen follows (with commentary!)

The Muse – Written by, directed by and “starring” Albert Brooks

This is probably the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life.  I am leery of anything that has the same person in 2/3 of the above but Brooks takes his 3/3 and slam dunks it directly into the terlet.  We mistakenly rented this garbage when we lived in Guelph and had a two-for-one card at our local video store.  I will relate the story of the two for one card at a later date.  It was our custom to rent a couple of movies on a weekend when we had nothing else going on and sort of veg out for a couple of hours.  I don’t remember much of the “plot” of this beast, but there was something about a struggling writer and how he’d somehow lost his inspiration (I could tell this was inspired by real-life events).  He eventually winds up finding this woman who claims to be one of the original Greek muses (despite being blonde).  I think it was Susan Sarandon or Helen Hunt or something.  You can tell I did exhaustive research for this.  I think the actress’s name began with an S, anyway.  He hires her to be his personal muse which results in some kind of massive flow of creativity.  I’m pretty sure his wife thinks they’re having an affair but I don’t think they did.  I wasn’t really paying much attention.

This goes on for a bit and then she starts inspiring other people, he gets mad at her and there is, for some reason, a scene (low point of the “film”) where he sits in his producer’s office with his head in his hands saying “The Muse, the muse, the muse” over and over again in a mind-numbing monotone because somebody had stolen and successfully pitched an idea for a movie that she had originally given to him.  I don’t think I can recommend strongly enough against seeing this atrocity.  It is honestly not even worth the time it would take you to steal it or otherwise acquire it for free.  We rented this and 8 Mile on the same night.  After finishing The Muse we looked at each other and said “if we died tonight and that was the last movie we saw, our lives would have counted for naught” so we put in 8 Mile.

After finishing that (How is Brittany Murphy managing to get cast as the ditsy one who has sex with all the wrong people, all the time?  She must have a terrible agent), we looked at each other and said “if we died tonight and that was the last movie we saw, our lives would have counted for naught.”  I think we watched a couple of episodes of Family Guy and called it a draw after that. 

on an empty stage